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The holidays are a wonderful time for extremely tall people to cram into their friends’ tiny cars and attend festive parties featuring ill-fitting rental chairs and dangerously low-hanging ornaments. There is also the specter of “Secret Santa”, where someone gets you a gift that not only doesn’t fit but is so completely useless to an extremely tall person that it borders on a hate crime. Armed with our Top 5 Worst & Best Extremely Tall Holiday Gifts, CircusTall is here to help your clueless friends make your season bright while minimizing your chances of a rage stroke.
• Phone Accessories •
NO: Selfie Sticks
The purpose of a selfie stick is to extend the natural range of the human arm so you can place your camera far enough away to capture a shot without cropping out someone’s head. But to a person whose own arm is extended past the natural range of the human arm, a selfie stick is the foulest aluminum-clad insult since Jolly Green Giant cans. Avoid them like the plague.
YES: Selfie Ring Light
If you want really to improve the quality of selfies, introducing more light is always a smart choice. Not only will it enhance skin tones but it also adds definition and subtle contouring to duck face poses. Advaka makes a Selfie Ring Light with three brightness levels, a USB-rechargeable battery, and a universal clamp so it attaches to all phones.
• Bed and Bath •
NO: Bath Bombs
You envision warm lavender-tinged vapor transforming the bathroom into a healing spa. Nourishing shea butter bath bombs sensually dissolve in the clawfoot tub, releasing tender bubbles of rose and lemongrass into the air. Every moment unleashes more nutrient-rich organic essential oils and healing herbs designed to soothe and rejuvenate. Perfect gift for your stressed, tall friend, right? BUT NO. Reality is they’re sitting on the chair next to the tub unsoothed and unrejuvenated because they don’t fit in the damn tub. (And they knew that when they started that madness but HEY MAYBE BATH BOMBS ARE MADE WITH ELF MAGIC and can expand the size of the tub if they just sit in a certain way like maybe this way or if they turn and place this leg or perhaps the other leg…like…like………ow.)
Unless your tall friend has a built-in jacuzzi, hard pass on the bath bombs.
YES: Extra Tall Shower Head
The extremely tall probably have cleaner necks than the general population since most shower heads are about neck height for them. If only the evil selfie stick could be repurposed to raise shower nozzles above one’s own head—would the gentle caress of overhead jets then be possible? Totally. HotelSpa makes a rainfall-style shower head with an integrated 2-foot extension arm. The actual shower head is a 10 x 10-inch square, engulfing its user in water, like a regular person.
• Kitchen •
NO: Fashion Peelers
The utilitarian handheld vegetable peeler was functionally perfected in the 1950s, so the largest differentiation between models nowadays is decorative. Whether they nest together like ultra-sharp Pringles, are forged from exotic metals, or feature whimsical veggie-shaped handles, they are near-universally too small for extremely large hands to use safely without causing wrist cramps.
YES: OXO Good Grips Peelers
OXO focuses on ergonomically-designed, non-slip, easy-to-use kitchen tools, but the key principle here is their girth. The grip area of their Good Grips Peelers is thick and padded so the hand can relax while peeling instead of forcing all the tension into fingers and wrists. They also come in multiple colors, so you can ward off dinner-based Repetitive Stress Injury in style.
• Health and Wellness •
NO: Spinal Massage Balls
With great spinal length comes a great responsibility to keep that spine in top condition. Spinal massage balls (aka lacrosse balls) allow one to roll away muscle knots in the back and relieve tension, including pain perhaps received from playing lacrosse in the first place. Their small size makes them easy to transport yet massively inefficient when used on an extra-large back.
YES: 36-inch Foam Roller
But an extra-large foam roller is big enough to cover that extra-large back or any other body part. With a LuxFit 36-incher, a deep tissue muscle massage is just a roll away, or one can lay upon it for spinal stabilization. Its large size makes it ungainly to transport but extra-large backs may simply insist on purchasing one for the road. And for the lacrosse tournament.
• Electronics •
NO: Wired Headphones
“One size fits all” is a well-worn clothing deception but the logic behind it creeps into all wearables, including headphones. Whether they are over-the-ear classics or gym-ready earbuds, there will come a time when they will pop out of the ear canal because the cord is Too. Dang. Short. for the tall friend. Lift a box over the head—pop! Go for a run and head turn to the left—pop! One could solve this issue by strapping the phone in an armband, thereby shortening the cord distance at the risk of causing an arterial embolism.
YES: Wireless Headphones
When the size of the world constrains basic movements, every inch of freedom is a magnificent gift. Wireless headphones seem unnecessary until one realizes how long headphone cables have kept one in light bondage. Earbuds are great for active sports, but if the desire is to be submerged in bass take a look at Beats Studio3 Wireless Over‑Ear Headphones. It’s generally the priciest but it does feature a blindingly-quick Bluetooth connection speed, nearly eliminating the multiple tap-and-pray rituals that one performs with other Bluetooth devices.
Summary
Make an extremely tall person happy this holiday season with a gift that will surprise and delight. The items in this guide will help wash away the sadness of receiving that “one-size-fits-all” holiday sweater. (Which didn’t come from you, right?)
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When you have big-ass feet, you learn to lower your expectations about choice. The day I wrote this article Zappos.com offered 5481 Men’s sneakers & athletic shoes in Size 13. But when I searched for my true dimension of Size 17, I was greeted with this insult result:
“Men Sneakers & Athletic Shoes”
That’s a choice reduction of 97%. Zappos’ search refinement selectors for Performance, Brand, and Color are absurdly pointless when all their Size 17 shoes fit on two pages. This isn’t their fault since most shoe companies simply don’t make big-ass shoes.
But the following shoe companies not only make big-ass shoes, but they also allow for dozens of color and fabric options for the logo, lining, laces, sole, tongue, heels and more. For an extremely tall person with limited shoe choices, it’s the difference between getting a Mickey Mouse sticker and going to Disneyland.
All of their shoe design customer experiences will be ranked on the CircusTall scale of “Yeah!” (it’s awesome), “Meh.” (it’s okay), or “Eh…” (it’s underwhelming).
NikeID
Ease of use:
Nike started selling NikeID customized shoes way back in 1999, and their OG status is reflected in their refined sense of user experience. Each shoe is clearly represented by static zoomable images taken from six basic angles, making it easy to tell which area of the shoe has been changed by your actions. Their selection interface is clean and readable.
Customization options:
They have a staggeringly large selection of shoe styles in multiple sports, including basketball models from such one-named icons as LeBron, Kyrie, Kobe, and, er, Paul George. Nearly every section of the shoe can be customized from one of a dozen colors, with additional metallic choices for the swoosh, and custom text on the heel.(1)
Special features:
Some models allow you to customize your width or select images for the sole. Nike also has a respectable selection of custom cleats.
Maximum size: Men 18, Women 15
Number of styles: 49 for Men, 24 for Women
Price: $95–$340
How does it fit?: True to size
Visit the site
Vans Customs
Ease of use:
The Vans Customizer allows you to easily rotate a gorgeous 3D model of your shoe with buttery smoothness, making design choices simple to view and fun to change. Their selection interface is tidy and compact, allowing for the shoe to display as large as possible.
Customization options:
Slip-on, Authentic, SK8-Hi, Old Skool, and Era models are available across four styles, but the big play here is the sheer volume of fabric choices. You can choose Peanuts characters, Major League Baseball logos, cat heads, pizza, plants, donuts, and on some shoes you can even add flames or checkerboards along on the foxing (aka the rubber sides of the shoe).
Special features:
Unlike anyone else in this guide, Vans allows you to upload your own images to add to your shoe design. It’s $10 extra, only applies to Slip-on and Authentic models, and the Terms and Conditions is unsurprisingly restrictive, but the power to make a truly individual mark on your design is compelling.
Maximum size: Men 18, Women 11
Number of styles: 18 for Men, 13 for Women
Price: $75–$110
How does it fit?: True to size
Visit the site
Converse Custom
Ease of use:
Converse is owned by Nike, so in a bold move of corporate synergy Converse Custom uses the same interface as NikeID. Each shoe is clearly represented by static zoomable images taken from six basic angles, making it easy to tell which area of the shoe has been changed by your actions. Their selection interface is clean and readable.
Customization options:
You can drape Chuck Taylors, One Stars, and Jack Purcells with a wide variety of colors, rubber sidewalls, metals, and fabrics, including leather and satin. If you’ve dreamed of strutting around in wine-colored velvet Chuck high tops with an embossed leather logo, you’re in for a treat.
Special features:
Floral prints, camouflage, and leopard skin are available in some models, as well the ability to place different patterns on each side of your shoe, bowling-style.
Maximum size: Men 17, Women 13
Number of styles: 26 for Men, 6 for Women
Price: $75–$150
How does it fit?: True to size
Visit the site
mi adidas
Ease of use:
Obliquely named for a song from former Adidas spokes-rappers Run-D.M.C., the mi adidas site is cinematically fluid. You can rotate an angled shoe that convincingly responds to your touch. The selection interface fades up when you need it and fades away when you’re done, leaving your shoe as prominent as possible, but only on mobile. The desktop site’s design is straight Clunkasorous Rex, with an ungainly large interface and tiny shoe display.
Customization options:
They have a cornucopia of running, basketball and tennis shoes, featuring Superstar, Gazelle, Stan Smith, and Pureboost models. In addition to applying colors to multiple shoe areas, you can also select numbers, sock liner text, lace jewels, and glow-in-the-dark soles.
Special features:
mi adidas is the only custom shoe vendor to offer slides, which you can then customize with the debossed icon of a fist, if debossed fist icons are your thing.
Maximum size: Men 20, Women 15.5
Number of styles: 38 for Men, 29 for Women
Price: $45–$170
How does it fit?: A bit snug, but true to size
Visit the site
YourReebok
Ease of use:
The YourReebok site is a bit clumsy in execution. The selection interface is quite large, the shoe area is quite small, and you can’t can’t change shoe angle until you’ve finalized a color selection. After experiencing the tactile sensuousness of the Vans site, the tappity-tappity-tappitiness of YourReebok is frustrating.
Customization options:
Crossfit Nano7, Club C, InstaPump and Havasu models are available for customizing with a respectable selection of colors and material. Havasa features fun patterns such as Tangled Clouds and Junk Workout. The InstaPump model allows you the change the color of the pump bladder, so that’s something.
Special non-feature:
YourReebok has the smallest shoe sizes of all the vendors in this guide, barely qualifying for as a resource for those with big-ass feet.
Maximum size: Men 15, Women 11
Number of styles: 6 for Men, 6 for Women
Price: $75–$155
How does it fit?: True to size
Visit the site
NB1
Ease of use:
New Balance’s NB1 lets you completely rotate an angled shoe horizontally, which is smooth to use for viewing selected areas, if not quite Vans smooth. The selection interface takes up half of your screen, shrinking the view of your selected shoe, but the design is clear enough to prevent you from getting lost in the details.
Customization options:
NB1 has but three baseball and three running models. There’s a minimum of options in fabrics and accoutrements but they do have a nice selection of color choices.
Special features:
All the vendors allow for custom text, but NB1 is the only one that lets you pick individual heel numbers. They also let you upgrade to gold-plated cleats, if you want to go to “Beast Mode”.
Maximum size: Men 16, Women 13
Number of styles: 6 for Men, 6 for Women
Price: $125–$200
How does it fit?: True to size
Visit the site
Big-ass Customized Shoes Summary
These six vendors offer thousands of shoe options to owners of big-ass feet. All of these sites feature pre-designed starter models for you to play with, as the potential for creating great ugly is real. Nike, Converse, Vans and mi adidas (on mobile only) are the easiest and most fun to use, but the other two have value as well, as a meh choice is better than no choice at all.
Number of shoe styles were calculated from Men Size 12+ and Women Size 10+. Complete offerings of shoe style, sizes and prices are subject to change. Sites were judged by their mobile interfaces.
Footnotes
| ↑1 | All custom shoe sites instantly reject any customer text that contains profanity, hate speech, and most importantly, the names of their competitors. But they don’t seem to have a handle on slang from The Urban Dictionary, since “skeet” sailed right through the censor. As did “juggalo”. Whoop whoop. |
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